Dominant not domineering…#TuesdayThoughts with Doris (@MamaD8)

Hello lovely peeps, Doris here with more of her Tuesday Thoughts on all things Domly this time, so gather close. I may or may not be ranting a little, too. You have been warned.

This post ties in quite nicely with my thoughts on how to write Alphas, not arseholes and my first post on BDSM. Check them out, if you’ve missed them. 🙂


bdsm pic

The dictionary defines a Dominant thus:




  1. 1.

having power and influence over others.

“they are now in an even more dominant position in the market”

synonyms: presiding, ruling, governing, controlling, commandingascendant,supremeauthoritative, most influential, most powerful, superior;More


Even in that definition, it doesn’t state domineering, however.

A true Dominant is certainly not domineering. That would make him an arse at best and up for an assault charge at worst.

Dominance is something that you either have or you haven’t and in a true Dominant it will be an innate part of them as are the breaths they need to take to survive. By that very definition their dominance does not confine itself to mere sexual activities.

Put in simple terms, you will know if you are in the presence of a Dom. You will certainly know that it if you’re a submissive. It might not be obvious to anyone else, but there is a certain something, if you will, that will make your inner sub sigh.

It could be a look, one quirk of an eyebrow, that quiet command that raises the fine hair on your neck, that smile… Whatever it is, you will be in no doubt as to who is in charge. However, no true Dominant would ever just try to exert their dominance on you. That is not their right. Submission is earned, trust takes time, and negotiation is the key.

In real life Dominants will make mistakes, they will piss you off, and annoy you as much as the next man. They are human, after all. What they will do, or should do, however, is take care of you. A Dom’s first duty is the welfare of his/her submissive, and is one they take seriously.

On that note nothing pisses me off faster than when I read a story, where the Dominant gives no after care. Well, hell no!

Any scene, no matter how big or small, has the potential to trigger, and after care is essential for everyone’s sake. The Doms as much as the subs I would say. Entering the head space needed for a scene can take a lot out of those domly types, and, you know, they have limits too.

Not every Dom and sub will be a good fit. Not every Dom will be able to meet that particular need, whatever that might be. And that’s okay. That’s where negotiation comes in.

There are as many different Doms out there as there are submissives.

There are Daddy Doms, Riggers, Sadists in all their various forms, from a purely sensual Sadist to one who needs to see their sub covered in blood. Those who like to humiliate, those who need total control over every aspect of their slave’s life, and those who simply confine those needs to the bedroom. And of course those who can switch between being a top and a bottom.

Dominants walk in all areas of life. You don’t need a big bank balance to be a Dom, though, in fiction, at least, that tends to go hand in hand.  Also, contrary to what some authors might make you believe, not every member of the FBI or the armed forces is a Dom.

*said very firmly with my tongue in my cheek*

bdsm pic 1


You get the idea. Keep it real, do your research and paint the whole man, not just the idea of the perfect Dom, ‘cause, ya know, they don’t exist in real life. Only fiction.

That’s all from me today.

Do stay naughty, folks


D xx

8 thoughts on “Dominant not domineering…#TuesdayThoughts with Doris (@MamaD8)

  1. Loved the post, informative and quite educative too. These posts of yours always get me grinning as I learn something new about the BDSM world, one I’ve yet to even consider tackling. You keep this up Doris, and I may need to get your number on speed dial so I can use you as my sounding board for some books in the future. If Raven will let me borrow you that is 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lol, re Raven! Always willing to lend a hand, if I can. Like I said in previous posts, I’m certainly no expert, but having lived this lifestyle for a number of years now, I like to think I know a little something to share 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Dominant not domineering…#TuesdayThoughts with Doris (@MamaD8) | LifestyleGambler

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