Hello lovely peeps, Doris here with Tuesday Thoughts and my next instalment on writing BDSM.
Now, listen up, peeps and listen well.
Submissive does not equal doormat!
I chose that picture on purpose, because it shows a male submissive, and puts the point across quite nicely, if you ask me.
Too many times are submissives, male or female, portrayed as weak-willed, easily led people, who let some narcissistic a-hole run roughshod over them.
For the record, that’s not submission, that’s abuse. Perhaps it shouldn’t be surprising, because when you look up the meaning of submissive in the dictionary this is the definition you find:
ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.“a submissive, almost sheeplike people”
synonyms: compliant, yielding, malleable, acquiescent, accommodating, amenable,tractable, manageable, unassertive, non-resisting, passive, obedient,biddable, dutiful, duteous, docile, ductile, pliant, meek, timid, mild,patient, resigned, forbearing, subdued, humble, self-effacing, spiritless,deferential, obsequious, servile, slavish, self-abasing, spineless,grovelling, lamblike, supine; More
Hmm, that’s certainly not the way I would describe myself, nor would anyone who knows me. I most definitely know my own mind and know how to assert myself, thank you very much.
Cross me and mine and you’ll know about it. Let’s just leave it at that.
The same could be said for the heroines I write. They tend to be strong women, who choose to give their submission to the man or men in their lives. Note the word, choose. No one can take your submission, or force it from you, and it irks me greatly when authors resort to stereotypes when they write submissives.
We are all different, and not one shoe fits all. There are those subs who need to serve, those that need a total power exchange, those that are littles, those that are only submissive in the bedroom, to name but a few variations, and heaven forbid, those who are switches.
Yes, they do exist, and it doesn’t mean that they are any less submissive than the next person.
What we all have in common is that inbuilt need to please, to be needed, to know that in that moment, when you hand over your body, mind, and soul to your chosen Dominant, there is freedom and immense power to be found in that act.
True submission comes from deep within, and it takes immense strength and courage to let yourself go, to fly in the face of convention, and what society expects of you, and to quieten your mind. Sometimes I almost think, submission has become a dirty word. That you are somehow less of a woman, because you allow a man to lord it over you.
I would say the opposite is true. In a true Dom/sub relationship, the submissive always has the power. Negotiation is the key, and no true Dominant would dream of violating a prenegotiated hard limit, and when the submissive safe words out, that’s it. Everything stops, and if appropriate, play will restart or not, after some frank discussion about why the submissive felt the need to safe word.
I will hold my hand up here, and say that I have yet to use my personal safe word. That is mainly due to Hubby in Sir mode knowing my limits better than I know them myself.
This hasn’t happened overnight, but is the result of us having been together for the last twenty-eight years. We know each other inside out. 🙂
So, again, it irks me, when so-called feminists will claim that I’m letting the side down by choosing to be my husband’s sub. That any woman has to be hard nosed, and that men should never, ever tell a woman what to do, and if she chooses to let her man do that… you get it by now, I’m sure.
Last time I looked feminism was about giving women choices, was it not?
So, next time you’re thinking of writing a submissive, bear that in mind. By all means, if it fits your heroine to be a dizzy blonde (stereotyping on purpose here) wo lurches from one disaster to another, and waits for the big bad Alpha Dom to rescue her from her own self, then write it.
I dare say we all do know women who act like that. But, don’t make that your go to model for writing a submissive, because the reality is much more diverse than that. And know, that I, for one will not be reading it. I prefer the women I read about to be strong individuals, who can hold their own, yet still hold onto that tender part of themselves that only the right man can bring out of them.
Every relationship, be that vanilla or kinky, will be different. It will go through ups and downs, and your writing will be stronger for it, if you portray those variations.
Yes, give your readers the fantasy, but hold onto some realism too.
That’s all from me today.
Do stay naughty, folks,